Just sharing some worries

Written by JKM on February 14th, 2009

Hey there,

Feels like I haven’t written in a while, but I think it’s only been two days or something…I am so addicted to this blog!!  :)  Anyway, I’m just having some worries, and I don’t think they’re anything, but I knew I would most likely sleep better if I got some of those worries off my chest…that’s right, I’ll just pass them on to you so you can worry!  hahaha only teasin’.

My counts and everything are about the same…they’ve gone down only slightly and no one’s worried, but I definitely think about it and what it could mean.  There’s one worry.  Here’s another one:  Any time I have a symptom that could at all be related to GVHD, I worry that I have GVHD.  How about a third one?!!  Here you go:  I worry that although it feels like longer, it’s been a mere four months since I had my transplant, and I of course worry that the leukemia could come back.  Several weeks ago, I had a nightmare that it did.  I can’t remember if I shared that with you, but it was awful.  I can’t remember the details, but I remember waking up scared.  Here’s one more for you to soak up so I don’t have to worry about it :) :  I worry about secondary cancers…cancers that result because of your treatment for previous cancers.  Now, that is absolutely not fair!!!!

OK, so those are my top worries (they don’t include 1)finding a job once I’m well, 2)figuring out just how to move on with my life, 3)discovering some way to sleep less, etc.). It’s likely that none of those would happen if I relapsed, so I guess that’s why my primary worries center around my illness.

Typically, I’m able to distract myself and focus on all the good things in my life, but the worry is always there in some form.  I hate that it’s there, but it is, and there’s not much to do about it but address it and then push it back down again.  It usually hits me late at night, especially if I watch tv.  I definitely think tv can be have a depressing effect, because it has this power to suck me in, and I feel guilty after hours of watching it; I mean, what a waste of time.  I was taught the lesson of all lessons about time…twice!!!  I know that time is limited, but I will just stare at the tv sometimes (usually at night), and even if I’m tired, I won’t get up and go to bed.  Yup, the worries definitely come at night.  Will they ever stop completely?  I doubt it…even when I’m five years out from the transplant, I’ll worry.

Sometimes when I have these, let’s call them “acute worries” (because they can upset me so much that  I feel a little aching in my chest or my pulse rate increases), I wonder if more medication for depression might help.  But then I will have so many good days.  I even had a good day today (I’ll write more about that later…I’m trying to lay all my worries on you right now)!  :)  I think I just realize that acknowledging the worries is all part of the process.  It would be pretty darn strange if I didn’t worry, and if I weren’t hypersensitive to any changes going on in my body.  I get that, I talk myself out of the worries as much as I can, and I move on.

Tonight though, I felt like I had to get some off my chest.  You’ll be happy to hear that I feel a little better after doing so!

Now I think I’m going to go to bed.  I will write a much happier entry tomorrow….it is, after all, Valentine’s Day!!!!  Thanks for listening (or technically, “reading”) and supporting me, no matter what I’m feeling!!

Lots of love,

Julie

PS Stay tuned for supercute pics of Indie, Laura and Tiso’s new dog…Laura and I took her to Great Falls Wednesday, and I stayed overnight at their place, so needless to say, I took lots of photos!  You surprised?

2 Comments so far ↓

  1. Feb
    16
    5:35
    AM
    Indie

    Hi Julie,
    This is my first time reading your blog…quite a nice set up you’ve got here. I just wanted to say that it’s normal to worry and good to get it off your chest. I’d also like to add that it was nice meeting you the other day, I have a feeling I’m gonna really love you!
    -Indie

    P.S. That Laura really is amazing…you were SO lucky to have her as your ‘gift of life’!!!!!

  2. Feb
    18
    6:01
    PM
    Kristi

    Hey Julie…
    Definitely normal that you worry, and, truth be told, I think it is normal that it is at night as well. That’s when my brain tends to go crazy and worry. It is great that you have folks to help you get it off your chest, and we are glad to read and soak up some of your worries :) P.S. as an experienced ‘non-sleeper, tv watcher even when I’m exhausted’ I can highly recommend crossword puzzles. For some reason they help me get my mind off things.

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