Hi there!  Here I am again, worrying at night, when my day went really well!  I took the dogs to have their teeth cleaned, went to my hearing test appointment (I can hear quite well, thank you very much!), went back and got the pups, and then let my neighbors’ dogs out.  I took care of a few to-do items, but not too many.  I’m still not feeling motivated which really upsets me.  I know, I know, I just have to do it, but it’s either that or listen to Dr. Phil talking about the octuplets’ mom…I mean, which would you choose?  hahahaha  Seriously though, I know it’s something I need to straighten out, and I will continue to think of strategies to help get me moving and start all the projects I’ve been putting off.

Anyway, let’s just get to the night worries so I can pass them on to you and get some decent sleep.  :)  All of the sudden, when I’m getting ready for bed, all these thoughts enter my mind…pretty much the same as the other day.  I keep worrying:  “will it come back?”, “what happens if it comes back?”  Any little imperfection on my body worries me.  For instance, I have felt what feels like a bump to me by my left ribcage, but I’ve shown it to every single doctor/nurse I’ve visited in the past nine months, and I’ve also had various x-rays, and everyone says it’s just the way I’m built.  That’s all the reassurance I need when I’m in the doctor’s office, but when I get home, I start worrying again.

My doctor commented on Wednesday that I looked great, and everything was going well.  He did remind me, however, that it’s still early in the process so I have to be very watchful of anything different going on with my body.  I hate being reminded that it was only about five months ago that I had the transplant, and sometimes I can distract myself and not think about it, but somehow it resurfaces in my mind.  Is all this happening because I’m not very distracted right now?–because I’m spending the majority of time by myself, just thinking (at least I have my pups though!  )?  I think and think and convince myself to do something distracting or watch something that makes me laugh, and those help for a while, but at the end of the day, I’m still left with thoughts swirling around in my mind.

I know it’s a waste of time to squander any time with worries, because I can’t do anything more than I’m doing.  I’m taking all my pills, I’m staying away from sick people and children (which sucks….my goddaughter turned a year old last week, and I haven’t seen her since August!), I’m going to all my appointments, I’m listening to my doctors.  Why is it that there’s always room for worry?  I guess it’s all about the learning experience of life and how we can train ourselves to overcome challenges.  I hope years from now the worrying will subside, but I’m really not sure it will.  There are no certainties when it comes to life, and the fact that I’m a transplant patient will always be in my mind in some form.  As I wrote before, this is good and bad; good because it forces me to focus on the present and the joy that I can find in it, bad because worrying is worrying and it’s pretty much a useless emotion (can you even call it an emotion?).  It can be crippling and it’s just useless!  I say we just try and get rid of worrying all together.  Maybe if we strike the word from the English language, we won’t ever feel it.  What do you say?  Shall I write Webster?

Wow…that’s deep stuff.  I’m feeling good for getting it out and thrusting all the raw emotion onto you.  Don’t worry (there’s that word again!!!! )…I’m still a very hopeful, happy person, but this disease changed my life forever–for good and for bad–and I just want to try and paint an honest picture of what it’s like to go through it, even after a successful transplant.

OK, now I think I can sleep.  :)  Thanks for reading even my depressing entries!  I’m on the lookout for some good, happy, fun stuff to share with you!

Love,

Julie