My new challenge: getting over the nightmares

Written by JKM on March 20th, 2009

Looks like another beautiful day out there!  My hands are still thawing out a bit though after throwing the frisbee and hitting the ball for the pups.  I think I have to bundle up a bit more when I take my walk.

The good thing is that it’s 11:42 AM and I’ve had my breakfast, I played with the pups, and now I’m working on the blog (obviously).  I think the dogs figured out a way to wake me up.  Guinness starts talking and whining like he wants to go out, so I get up, open the door, stand out on the porch like a dummy saying “OK!  Go potty!  Go hurry up!”, while they stare at me.

Kathy stayed over last night after teaching at Mason, and the dogs were verrrrrrrry excited to see her!!  They never sit together like this in someone's lap!!  It was good to see you, Kathy!!

Kathy stayed over last night after teaching at Mason, and the dogs were verrrrrrrry excited to see her!! They never sit together like this in someone's lap!! It was good to see you, Kathy!!

They turn around, walk back into the house and into the family room as if to say, “It’s time to start the day!  No more going back to sleep.”  Pretty tricky, don’t you agree?  It’s like they’re leading me outside to greet the day, then ushering me into the family room and kitchen to eat my breakfast.  Ok, Ok, they probably aren’t thinking it all through like that, but you never know!  :)

One thing is for sure:  I definitely did not want to go back to sleep this morning.  I had the worst nightmare I think I’ve ever had.  You guessed it:  I dreamt the leukemia came back, but I also had strange bumps all over my body which was apparently the sign of a very rare secondary cancer.  They told me I had a couple months to live, and I kept saying over and over, “I’m not ready to go.  I have too much to do!  I don’t want to leave yet.”  I also worried about the dogs, and kept asking “What about the dogs?  They don’t understand that I’m dying…they’ll think I deserted them.  What can I do to help them?”  It felt like the nightmare continued all night, and I kept repeating those comments.  It felt so real.  When I woke up, I was relieved it didn’t happen, but only slightly because the fact is that I don’t know if the cancer will come back or if I will develop a secondary cancer.  I don’t know how long I will live, and if anything did happen, then no, the dogs wouldn’t be able to understand.  I think I’ve read too much long-term follow-up material and I’m sure the medical dramas I watch (”Grey’s Anatomy”, “Private Practice”) are definitely not helpful.  I can limit the reading and perhaps change the time of day when I watch the shows, tivo-ing them and catching up in the morning.

Ronnie and my mom helped me by pointing out that this is not an unusual worry to have, and I know that.  I wish it didn’t have such a strong hold on me.  You probably feel like you’re reading the same post over and over again lately, huh?  I have no routine, I’m worried about relapse.  I guess I figured I’d write about it again because this is how I’m experiencing it.  The same worries haunt me, and I have moments when it seems like no big deal, and then I have a nightmare like last night, and I wonder how I’ll trick my mind into concentrating on something else other than cancer and its dangers.  I am so looking forward to my bone marrow biopsy/aspirate so my mind can rest for a while.

One thing that does help me is to remind myself of all the survivors out there (myself included):  Andrew, you’re on the top of my list!  I’m always thinking of you and your family and how well you’re doing.  By the way, LTFU (long-term follow-up) is looking for photos to put on their walls, and I think you should send one in!  I looked and looked for you when I was out there, but I never found a picture of you!

Katherine and Aunt Barbie, I think of you.  Katherine, I also think of Pat and Margaret.  I think of my friends in the young adult support group at Life with Cancer. Shara, I think about you.  Leslie, I think about you and Rebecca.  Jen, Sue and Rich, I think about you.  Bill, I think about your sister.  Michael, I think about your dad.  There are so many survivors that I know about…there’s no way I can include everyone on here!  Sure, they’re all different cancers, but hearing the word “survivor” is motivation for any patient.

I found this article yesterday, and I just loved the idea of healing through adventure: http://www.curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.show/id/2/article_id/986.  It made me excited to get out there and ride the open road….and I’ve never been on a motorcycle!!  :)  Those are some cool survivors, and I’ve added them to my list of people to think of when I get bitten by the damn worry bug again.

I also read an interesting article about cancer-related fatigue (CRF), and how it is fundamentally different from fatigue felt by the general population.   According to Dr. Wendy Harpham, “unlike the tiredness that healthy  people feel at the end of a long day, CRF is more profound and difficult to ignore.  It impairs your ability to function and is less predictable than normal fatigue, and one night’s rest does not relieve it”.  So for the meantime, I will blame some (not all!) of my sleeping late on this.  :)  While I’m at it, I might as well use it as an excuse for other issues too, because she goes on to say that CRF “has other symptoms than just tiredness, such as difficulty concentrating, poor memory, irritability, changed mood, weakness, decreased sexual desire, clumsiness, or loss of interest”.  Does it count if I was already clumsy before any of this happened?  :)

Anyway, I’m working on forgiving my body when it feels tired or weak, rather than constantly pushing myself to try to do more.  I guess I need to acknowledge that the transplant was only about 6 months ago, and I can’t rush normalcy.  It will come in time.  In the meantime, I’ll do my best to distract myself.  It’s all about the everyday joys:  “Joys come from simple and natural things:  mists over meadows, sunlight on leaves, the path of the moon over the water” (Sigurd F. Olson).  The “path of the moon over water” makes me want to visit the ocean or relax by a lake…what a beautiful visual that phrase creates.

OK, one last thing for today:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LORI!!  (and Jameson too!!!)  Lots of good wishes for a wonderful new trip around the sun (I totally stole that phrase from the song I mentioned on the blog several weeks ago :) )!

Love,

Julie

1 Comments so far ↓

  1. Mar
    24
    10:05
    AM
    Laura (AKA the donor) ;)

    WOW…Unbelievable! “Andrew, I think about you…Katherine, Aunt Barbie, Shara, Rebecca, Leslie…I think about you”…YOU LEFT OUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON…ME! Geeez ;) I’d like to think that if the roles were reversed and I was counting my blessings, I’d most certainly start with YOU…my lifesaver! But hey…no hard feelings…puta. ;)

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