Well, it was another good week! I hung out with family and friends, relaxed with some movies, walked around Burke Lake with Katie, Jameson, Guinness and Indie, enjoyed the weather, and went with Aunt Nancy on a beautiful drive through Virginia’s countryside. Oh, and I also learned about these beatboxers that you have to check out. It totally looks fake to me, what do you think? Ronnie used to do this when he was little, but he was never quite this good–amazing, isn’t it? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZsML4uWoiw&feature=related and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U66tYpzQTE&feature=channel. “Ronnie! Stop making them noises!!!!” Remember that, Ronnie? That’s what our bus driver used to say to him when he broke out the beatboxing on the bus. Seems like just yesterday!!
Lately I feel as though I’m keenly aware of time. I know, I know, you’re thinking “OK, Julie…you appreciate time more, you have a better perspective of life, blah, blah blah…we’ve heard it all before!!”. I don’t know whether it’s the old pictures that sparked this new and heightened awareness, or perhaps it’s how fast the weeks seem to pass. Maybe this is how you feel once you’re in your thirties. Who knows? Whatever the reason, as with perspective, which is inherently tied with time, I’m happy I can realize its limitations. I keep thinking, OK, I only have about 60-65 years left (if I’m really lucky!)…that’s it!!! That doesn’t seem like very long to me. My life’s still stuck on pause in many ways, and I’ve got quite a lot of catching up to do.
I hate the feeling of jealousy, but I can’t help but compare myselves to others. It’s not so much the material things I wish I had, but rather all that other stuff that shapes your future: a boyfriend/husband (OK…I wouldn’t be ready to get married any time soon, but eventually!), children, a career (this is a big one!!). These are things I assumed I would have at this juncture in my life, and most people my age seem to have at least two, if not all of them. I am jealous, I admit it. I really am happy for everyone else, but sad for myself.
It seems almost greedy to complain about what I don’t have in my life, when I count off what I do: a wonderful family, loyal friends, health, a beautiful place to live, opportunities to travel. I decided it’s OK though–I’ll allow myself to wallow in a little self pity when necessary. What I’m trying not to do anymore is beat myself down. It’s a very dangerous thing, jealousy. If I perceive someone else as having more of something than I do, be it beauty, sense of humor, intelligence, I automatically feel bad about myself. For a little while, I think, “What can I do to make myself prettier?, “How can I be more outgoing?”, “What will my contribution be to the world in terms of a career?”. Finally, I remind myself what I’ve beaten, how I’ve grown and how everyone’s story needs to be different in order to make the world interesting. I mean, I still wish I were a brilliant supermodel, but I feel a little better after reminding myself of those things.
So I was a little down last night, thinking all these deep thoughts (it’ll be nice once I’m working so I don’t have to think so much!! hahahaha ). I brought out the relaxation CD you gave me, Margaret (does everyone remember when I wrote about it way back when I was in isolation out in Seattle?–the first night, I was hopped up on some meds and I lay there in bed cracking up at certain parts–mainly when she mentions how you shouldn’t listen to the CD while driving). Anywayyyyy, I was lying there last night, and my mind was wandering to more unpleasant places—worries about relapse, to do lists, etc.Â I heard the lady asking us to pick a special place that we could think of to make us feel happy. Unfortunately, I simply couldn’t focus. In a couple minutes, I heard loud snoring coming from one of the couches. Apparently, the CD was doing the trick for Jameson!! Then Guinness stretched out and let out a long, relaxed sigh from the other couch. I started cracking up, which is just as helpful as relaxing, I think. My mind was in a happier place, and I fell asleep before the CD ended.
I don’t go see my doctor again until mid-June (Happy June, by the way!!!!). I have a long list of questions to ask him. I mean, I’m feeling well other than an annoying head/neck-ache I get every day. Although, last night was a little strange. I was sitting on the couch, starting this blog and watching TV in the background. All of the sudden, I felt my heart thudding in my chest, and my pulse was racing. Lucky for me, I have a pretty good cardiologist on hand! It’s nice to run up the stairs and ask your dad to take your pulse and give you a quick diagnosis! My heart rate was between 140-160 beats per minute (I think my normal resting rate is around 70 BPM), but it went back to normal quickly. Apparently this happens to lots of people, especially women. I’m not too concerned about it, especially since I added it to my list of questions for Dr. Orloff…somehow that act of writing helps to erase it from my mind…it’s like a direct transfer from my brain to the paper. =)
Well, I’m sitting here typing this from Laura and Tiso’s house now, ’cause I came out to watch Indie for a couple hours. We walked to the entrance of the neighborhood, and now she’s sleeping at my feet while I type. I have to get going soon though, so I better tie this up! First, I want to recommend a wonderful movie we watched this weekend: “Bottle Shock” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0914797/). It is based on a true story, and I’m looking forward to watching it again…I mean, it’s a terrific movie! It’s about wine and Napa Valley. Watch it.
Finally, I want to wish Paloma a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!! I hope it was perfect–you certainly had a gorgeous day for it! And speaking of a gorgeous day, CONGRATULATIONS to Theresa and Jeff, who got married on Saturday! I was worried with all the rain we got on Friday, but Saturday was absolutely beautiful, and it sounds like it was a really wonderful celebration.
I hope everyone enjoyed this weekend.
Sending everyone lots of love,
PS Sometimes it feels like I write the same blog posts over and over again!!!Â Sorry for the repetition, but hey, you can’t say you don’t know what I’m thinking!!Â :)Â I don’t think I’ll ever be someone people worry about for holding their feelings in.Â hahaha