Hi there!!  How are ya?  I’m well, except for a head/neck ache and a bit of a sensitive tummy.  I will mention these to the doc next week, and I’m hoping the tummy issues are not at all related to GVH of the gut.  I’m almost done with the Cyclosporin–down to 25 mg a day, isn’t that amazing?!!  Just think, I started out at over 300 mg (twice a day!) and now it’s 25 once a day.  Very, very exciting, but at the same time, I have to be even more watchful of possible GVH outbreaks.

I’m enjoying all of the beautiful weather, but I haven’t yet established a fixed schedule for riding my bike, walking, doing some of my DVDs.  In fact, I’ve been relatively lazy this last week.  I was able to catch up on some facebook stuff today though, so that made me feel good!  Plus, I finished my project of putting my CDs into those big books with sleeves.  My CD holders were getting rickety and so many of the cases were broken.  I think I’ll listen to a greater variety of CDs now that they’re easier to find.  In fact, I’m listening to one right now that I haven’t heard in years….good stuff!

Going back to enjoying the weather, there’s a little red fox I keep seeing in the neighborhood.  The first time, he was in a big field up near the front entrance, the second time (last night), he was watching me play with the dogs from the safety of my neighbors’ yard (maybe he knows the dogs have an electric fence!)…it kind of seemed like he wanted to play some ball too.  I saw him again this afternoon walking into my neighbors’ yard.  When he was in the front yard, the deer were roaming the backyard.  I find such peace in nature, and I feel very lucky to have so many chances to observe all these beautiful animals.  I found another little animal today in quite different circumstances.  (Aunt Bitsy, you might want to skip this part!!) :)  I went outside this morning to find Bella and Guinness batting around a little baby mouse.  I know catching mice is part of Bella’s natural makeup, but I had no idea that they played so long with their prey!  I couldn’t watch it, so I went inside, put on some latex gloves and grabbed a paper cup.  I went back onto the porch and set the cup on the ground.  The poor mouse climbed right into it.  His heart was beating so fast, I thought it might just pop out of his little chest.  I carried the cup to the backyard and let him loose.  I’m sure Bella was pissed, but I felt better.  :)  Ronnie thinks I disturbed the natural pattern of life, but I bet if he saw what I saw, he would have saved the little guy too!  I mean, if you’ve ever read “Stuart Little” or watched “Cinderella”, how could you let it die? 

And adventures with nature continue…Guinness ate a bird egg yesterday.  I’m telling you, it’s pretty exciting out here!  Even if I’m not allowed out and about too much, I feel quite involved with all the creatures in my ‘hood.  That being said, I am still craving a night out at “Murphy’s”.  I am so ready to be part of society again, to hang out with my friends and to meet new people.  Yup, I’m experiencing some cabin fever, even though I go out to the doctor’s office, the Safeway occasionally, Laura and Tiso’s house, Petsmart, and to friends’ homes.  I love hanging out with my family, but I’ve already lost several years of unlimited socializing, and I’m really craving it.  A couple more months, I know, but that might as well be years for as antsy as I feel right now.

I want to meet people, I want to date, and I want to forget about the last guy I hung out with over a year ago.  It’s not easy to forget when I have lots of time to think and there’s no one to take his place right now, even when I know that we weren’t a good match!  It’s just crazy how the mind works, and I keep pleading with it to move on to a healthier place.  I only mention this because I ran across a picture of him today, and it made me feel pretty sorry for myself…”poor me!  I’m single, I’m recovering from cancer for the second time, and I have no prospects at the moment.”  I drove out to pick up some skin care products from Clinique with a gift card Katie gave me last year, and on the way back I cried a little (with a little help from some sad songs by Joshua Radin ).  When I was feeling the lowest, my phone rang and I saw it was my cousin!  Perfect timing, I thought…it proves someone’s looking out for me to send me a call right at that very moment (good thing my dad had you call me, Trace!).  :)  I talked with her and listened as my goddaughter babbled and laughed in the background.  My tears dried up, and I smiled.  I drove to “Dairy Queen” to treat myself to a Reese’s Pieces blizzard, content that my evening had turned around.

Jennifer, I keep thinking about the comment you made in group last week, about how you wished you were dating someone when you were sick, but how you realized that as a single woman, you could make all decisions purely for yourself, without worrying about the feelings of another person.  You are quite right about that.  Many times, I wondered if having someone to hold me at night would make the experience easier, but being single allows me to focus completely on myself and my healing.

Driving home from Dairy Queen, I reminded myself that I alone am responsible for choosing things to look forward to.  I am the only one who can reel me back when I go to the darkest places in my mind, and I have to constantly discover different ways to bring back the positive thinking.  As I realized that (for the millionth time since first being diagnosed), I thought of a new goal, something to work toward in the coming months.  Anyone up for a hike up Old Rag in June?  I am the only one in my family who hasn’t been, and I think the time is now (well, actually, June…I need to iron out that workout schedule so I can make it to the top!).  Thank goodness I’m allowed to be outside during all of this!  I may be limited in other ways, but the ability to spend time outside (all covered in sunblock and a hat, of course!) is a blessing.

Some good things about being single for so long:  I can choose what and when I want to do something (eg Old Rag), I am strong enough to go to weddings and parties alone, and I’ve had lots of time to get to know myself and what I want.  Of course, I have to remind myself of those things when all I want is to have someone around to comfort me when I don’t feel so strong.  I hate that cancer is so pervasive that it disturbs dating life, but I still have hope that somehow it will all work out OK in the end.

Wow, I’m getting too serious now!  Time to lighten things up.  I saw this first thing the other morning when I checked my e-mail, and I thought I’d pass it on to you…more hula hoop publicity!  Who knew I was so cool?!  hahahaha Check it out: http://www.dailycandy.com/washington_dc/article/42513/Hoops+That+Girl…pretty neat, huh?  Thanks for sending me the link, Katrina and Paloma!  Dailycandy.com is actually a really cool site that sends you info about whatever city you live in….night life, best restaurants, sales, classes, new bars in town, etc…it’s quite informative!

I hope you like the pictures below!  The ones of Bella and Guinness are probably the best ones I’ve ever gotten.

Lots of love,

Julie