May 14th, 2009

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Thursday, May 14th, 2009

Hi there!

I was going to save my post for tomorrow, but I need to get some writing done. I was just organizing some photos, and I found some great blackmail ones of Laura, Katie and Ronnie! I’ll have to store those away. :) I also came across lots of photos of myself from ‘07. At first, I just thought–”Oh, I really like my hair there!”, but when I looked closer at all the photos, I noticed my clear skin, my nice eyebrows :), and my thinner face. Well, here I am now, crying because I want so much to look like that again!!!! I feel pretty silly shedding tears over this, but I’m so disappointed for myself.

Sometimes I feel like my steroid round face is gone, but then I see recent pictures of myself, and I realize it’s not. I know I weigh about ten pounds more than I did in ‘07, so I’m sure that’s part of it, but I’m just feeling sad. The girl in the photos had just walked a half marathon, she was healthy, and she was putting her life back together. She was able to have her eyebrows waxed, she had nice cheekbones, and she felt confident and pretty. I mean, she was hot! :) hahaha She was the maid of honor in Lori’s wedding, she was excited to become “tía” to Paulina and Eric’s baby, she was even hanging out with a guy that she liked. I feel so far removed from her.

I did buy some makeup today which I’m excited about, but I still have hairs on my face from the Cyclosporin. My dermatologist also told me I have Rosacea (that explains the little red marks on my face). I want to look the way I did in the beautiful bridesmaid dress for Lori’s wedding. Maybe someday I will again. I’m trying to be more conscious of what and how much I eat (and how fast I eat it), I’m walking the dogs after dinner, I made a work-out contract for my parents to sign (basically, it just asks them to make sure I’m keeping up wth my plan!!), I take good care of my skin. I’m really trying to get back to that girl in the photos. Maybe it’s all part of aging, but I, of course, blame leukemia. What if I had been allowed to keep up with my speedwalking and do my half and full marathon last year? What if I didn’t have to have all the chemicals and radiation I had last year? I know my skin, my body and my face would be much happier if things hadn’t changed.

Only thing is, I can’t do a damn thing about it, except to keep doing what I’m doing. I don’t know that I’ll ever get back to being the girl in the photos. I am constantly reminding myself that this body I keep lamenting beat cancer twice. I am and always will be proud of that. I also know that I am much better off than many cancer patients, but I’m certainly not going to lie about my feelings (as you know). I’m disappointed, I’m sad, I feel a little defeated.

I am, by no means, giving up! These tears have helped. Sharing my feelings has helped. I think I’ll still fall asleep with photos of my ‘07 self floating around in my head, but it gave me a good kick in the butt to work out harder now that I’m able. I’d like to look even better than the girl in the photos! I’m not going to go crazy with working out, but I’ll try harder. I want to head back to Seattle at the end of September and wow everyone with my appearance!

While I’m at it, why don’t I get some other “wants” off my chest?! I want to go out in public to places other than “Safeway”, “Petsmart”, “Target” and various doctor offices. I want to meet more people my age. I want to date (hahaha as if you didn’t know that!). I want to know where I will work when I’m allowed out there in the workforce. I want to go on more hikes. I want to learn to dance with a partner–I worry my solo moves are so perfected now, I’ll overwhelm any possible dance partner (preferrably a Daniel Sunjata lookalike (http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2675808768/nm0839326):) . Hey–let’s just go all out!!!: I want to sip wine at sunset on the beach in Corolla, I want to drink ciders and meet locals in Ireland, I want to take a surfing lesson in Hawaii, I want my entire extended family to squish into our house and enjoy a week of laughter, memories, talks, singing, dancing and eating. I want permission to be myself again, so I can figure out where to go from here.

I feel like I have so many thoughts racing through my head right now, but I don’t know how to express them. I think you get the basic idea: I miss my old self, and I really want to get her back. I’m going to take these pics in to my hairdresser next week, so maybe I’ll get the hairdo back first. With some more speedwalking, I hope to get the slimmer face (and also to fit into my jeans!). The eyebrows…well, still a lost cause right now, as is the rest of my facial hair, but I think makeup will give my spirits a bit of a lift. I’ll keep you posted!

OK, I’ve sufficiently tired myself out, and it feels good. Thank you for reading. As always, I feel much better once I’ve passed my worries on to you. :) Because this post was such a downer, I’m including some supercute pics of Husky that I took today…something to make you smile!! :)

Oh! One more thing!! A big thank you to the anonymous donor who donated to my Relay for Life website. That was really thoughtful of you (whoever you may be!!). :) Thank you verrrrrrry much!!!

Ok, last thing…seriously…my new favorite song: http://www.last.fm/music/Paulina+Rubio/_/Yo+no+soy+esa+mujer. Go to the top part of the page on the right and click on the litte black radio-looking-thingie. The video on youtube was awful…I couldn’t make you watch that!!! This way you can just listen. :)