Hey there everyone!

I’m getting ready for bed, but I’m feeling pretty down right now, so I needed to get it out somehow. I’ve had a great week so far visiting with friends and family, but I realize that the week is drawing to a close and Seattle is no longer some far off notion. It is reality. I leave my dad, my pups, Ronnie, Kathy, Katie, Tiso and all my friends on Sunday to head off to a place where I don’t know anyone to have a dangerous procedure which could or could not cure me of cancer. I’m so scared. I’m sad. I’m disappointed that I have to do this, especially at a time when it seems that my life should be falling into place.

I had a great time visiting with my friend Gershon tonight, but as it’s been with other friends I’ve said good-bye to recently, I felt really sad to see him go. My counselor asked me yesterday what my biggest worry was with the transplant, and I told her it was that I may not see everyone again. I honestly don’t believe that’s true because I have a feeling I will do very well, but I know it’s a possibility and it makes me so sad. It feels good and bad to get some tears out. I know this is just a taste of the emotions I will feel in the upcoming days. Every time I look at the dogs, I want to cry. They don’t understand this…they’ll find out Sunday that I’m leaving, but they don’t know why or when and if I’ll be back. I feel like I’m deserting them, even though I know in my heart it’s what I have to do.

I’m worried that my dad will be lonely, upset and overwhelmed, and he’ll hold it all in. I know the rest of the family will help, and I know he’ll be out to visit me, but I can’t help but worry. I think I need to go read my lighthearted book “Cocktails for Three” before bed. Reading always helps. I bought 10 new books yesterday, thinking of the week I’ll be in isolation, and knowing that books provide me with an escape from reality.

I’m still thinking positive, but I’m so sad and worried at the same time. I know these are normal feelings, and I was thinking…maybe instead of looking at this experience as a disappointment in my life because, as I said, it seems everything should be falling into place at age 30, I should look at it as an opportunity to learn what lots of people don’t learn until they’re much older: what I can do to have my experience positively impact the lives of others and also how important it is to “go with the flow”, and find out what life has waiting for me.

I’ve certainly learned that planning doesn’t always work. I found a quote by Robert Louis Stevenson that reads “Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.” That sounds like a good motto for life…now I’ll just focus on finding my dream job once I’m allowed to work that will allow me to do just that.

Thanks so much for being there for me! It means so much, especially as Sunday gets closer and closer. I rely on all of you to help me through this, and you never fail to bring me smiles, encouragement and love. Thank you.

Love ya.